You can listen to the full episode here: Listen to Ep 26: Stop Explaining Yourself

Many of us develop the habit of explaining our decisions long before we realize we’re doing it. We justify our choices, soften our boundaries, and provide long explanations for why we want something, often hoping to avoid criticism or conflict.

In this episode of Anchored & Alive, Blaze explores why the urge to explain ourselves can become exhausting and how building self-trust helps us make decisions with clarity and confidence, without constantly seeking approval from others.

🌿 In this episode we explore:

• why many people feel pressure to justify their choices
• how childhood dynamics can create the habit of over-explaining
• why explaining yourself often comes from a fear of disconnection
• how trust within relationships reduces the need for justification
• noticing when over-explaining reveals an unmet need
• how self-trust helps you make decisions without constant approval

Hello! This episode is all about stopping explaining yourself and how nice does that feel to just be who you are and not have to give an explanation to anyone about why that is or what you want or anything!

I want to talk about how it is something that felt so uncomfortable for me for the longest time, and even to this day is still like a practice for me to hold myself back from trying to explain why what I want is good or possible or how it can happen, and how everybody should probably allow that to happen, and please don't say no because it's a great idea, and this is why and you probably should do it too.

Like I always have this undercurrent burbling through my head, wanting to explain to everybody why I'm justified in my desires or wants or what I've chosen to do.

And I don't think it's necessary, and I'm training myself that it's not necessary.

And it's getting easier. But I think that the energy of the season says just be who you are and you don't need to explain yourself, like just be a wild thing.

Just grow. It's fine. Be you. You do you and it's fine.

And yet we live in society, and we live with other people and, you know, we do owe to each other common decency and respect and care. So there's a balancing of all of that.

And I think women have been taught for a very long time that it's our responsibility to be the social smoothers of everything and to explain the dynamic of what's going on emotionally to everyone so everyone's okay.

And a lot of us are burnt out and tired of having to do that all the time, and we don't want to have to fulfill that role.

So anytime we lessen that role by deciding that we're just going to do something or not say why we're doing something,

It can feel scary, it can feel rebellious, and it can feel unnatural, and like maybe it's not safe.

But I think the only way we get out of that is by practicing not always having that role and that expectation and explaining ourselves to everybody all the time.

Hmm. Explaining is essentially negotiating for permission to do something.

When I think about it that way, if I think like, "Oh, if I'm trying to explain myself, I'm basically asking for permission for what I did or what I want to do."

Why am I wanting that or needing that or thinking that I need that, because maybe I don't.

Thinking of it that way allows me to back off and go, "Do I need permission from anyone about this?" Has it already been negotiated before?

So for example, in my relationship and my life, like we have like a budget kind of concern where we're like okay:

If it's up to x amount, you don't need to say anything or ask or tell what you're doing because it's just fine. That's a normal expense. Do what you want.

Splurge, and over this amount probably should say something and at least let someone know that you spent it or say, "Hey I'm thinking about this because it's like a major expense and I want to do it but when is a good time?"

We've already had that negotiation, so now we don't have to explain ourselves about tiny purchases.

We naturally explain ourselves about purchases that were a little bit more than normal, but... like within the range. And then we always talk about ones that are going to be bigger.

And when we do that, we also understand that it's not negotiating. It's stating like, "Hey, I'd really like to do."

It's interesting. I love this dynamic actually for us because it gives a sense of safety for both of us to, like, we know that the other one... we want each other to have good things we want each other to get what we want.

We also respect each other's time and efforts in money and budget and all of that. Our money is each other's money. That's great.

So now we don't have to justify who we are and what we want to get.

Now, our only negotiation over that is when. Or sometimes we're like, "This seems like a nice idea, but I probably don't need it. What do you think?" And it genuinely is about that. It's no longer...

Like a hidden drama or a test of each other's love of each other and what we want to give or get.

I like that. It took us time to establish that and I appreciate it.

I'm using that as an example because I think when you strip away the need to negotiate about things or you have a structure for it,

It allows you to inhabit your life and trust a little bit more. And it's like you just understand the landscape that you're working with.

And that can help so much. But sometimes explaining yourself comes up not with predictable conversations or about money or anything. It can just be about something that you chose to do or that you want to wear or where you want to go, or something that you just did, like, oh, I went to this grocery store instead of that one. I don't know. I'm not sure how it's gonna come up for you.

But I do know that it always comes back to our discomfort with having made a choice and how it shows up in the world, and wondering what other people are thinking about us or how they're going to perceive us. And so we want to preempt that with an explanation.

For me, and I think probably for the majority of the people that I'm talking to here, a lot of that habit got established really young.

We learned it in childhood. We learned it at school. We learned it from our family dynamics.

All of it is that if you're going to do something, you need to have a really good reason for it because either it wasn't noticed at all and it was fine, or if you did something that stood out, why did you change the routine? What did you do? Why did you do it? And often there was punishment coming.

And you know, you didn't want to be the person that missed recess. You didn't want to be the one that got grounded at home.

And so we kind of compress ourselves and make ourselves smaller or preemptively come up with all the justifications.

I want this because, I did this because, this person did whatever to me.

It's not because of me, it's because of this, blah, blah, blah, blah. But all of that doesn't feel really good.

When I find that I want something and I'm coming up with a thousand reasons of why I need and want it,

It's always coming from a fear that no one cares about how I feel and I'm trying to help them understand how it's making me feel so that they feel sympathy or empathy for me and they want to help me out but I just haven't been trusting that they also want things to get resolved.

That helps me tone it down a bit and realize that I don't need a gazillion justifications for things. Like there are times when having a list is helpful.

It's not always helpful. And so I need to, I don't know, sense out what's going on with me when I'm trying to overly explain myself and why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Here's a question I have for you. Do you find that there's certain people that you do it more with?

And for me, yes. Interestingly, I'm going to say it's more with my kid than with anyone else because...

I think part of that is kids are growing up and they're learning things and they're always like there's new boundaries that get crossed and new situations that show up that haven't.

Like there's no established anything for new situations because they're new.

So it can be exhausting for me as a parent to constantly being like, oh my God, okay, we're doing this because I don't want you getting crushed by a car crossing the road or you can't just invite your friend over every night because we're not stealing, you know, your best friend from her family. Like, you can visit a lot, but you can't have her live here.

Things that you think in your head don't really need explanation, but there's constant explanation.

But when I think of it as, "Okay, this is like a human that's fresh to the cycle. She doesn't know what's going on yet, so she genuinely has these questions."

It's not about pushback on me. It's not saying that my judgments are wrong. It's just that she doesn't know what the judgments are or why they're happening.

And from her perspective with a lot less lived experience, she doesn't understand and she doesn't know why. And she can know and she will know eventually.

But it's not her job to know all of that. It's my job. My role as the mom to figure some of that out and lay some boundaries.

It's so interesting. There are times where I do want to just lay it down with her: I'm like, we're just doing this, no comment. And that definitely is like... intolerance coming through from me where I'm like, I just am tired of explaining myself and I shouldn't have to at the same time.

I've chosen that for the most part I do explain my choices to my child and that's a personal choice. I don't think everything that I do, I explain to her.

But I enjoy doing that for a lot of things because I think it helps her understand the process of how we make decisions and what kinds of things need to be considered.

So I've thought about that a lot where I'm like, you know, as a kid, I would have appreciated knowing why we were doing or not doing certain things so that I could decide later in life whether I thought that was appropriate or not.

I guess we're all going to grow up and figure it out on our own anyway and come up with things that we will or won't do with our kids.

And of course, I know she's gonna grow up and do things differently than the way we do stuff now. And that's okay, 'cause that's gonna be her prerogative.

Hmm. I got away from myself there and that's alright too. Hmm. I think...

This whole topic really comes up for me because it's about connection with other people and this fear of disconnection from the people that I care about.

So, when I'm wanting to give so much information about what I want or what I'm doing.

It's usually a bid for people to care and for me to feel like I'm important and that what I'm working on is important or going to be impactful or positive for other people in some way.

Talking about it and giving a lot of detail is a way for me to really invite other people in and be like, "Please, hear and see me and see what's going on."

And there's something very powerful about not feeling that I need to do that.

When I get to a place where I'm able to just say like, "Oh, this is what's happening."

I feel like, oh, I must have established things enough here in this situation with this relationship or with these people that they know and trust me, and they trust my judgment and I don't have to explain or give lots of proof or explain every contingency and how I made my decision.

There's something about feeling very trusted when I'm able to just say, "Well, this is what I did," and not worry about it.

And I think I want more of that in my life. I want more instances in which the people that I'm around trust me enough that I don't need to explain everything I do or every change to plans.

I also think that the way that that comes about is through communication and through being open enough that people know my values and know how I make my decisions.

So if I change a decision or do something they understand enough about me and my process that they can trust what I've done. I guess it's for the best or is serving me and all of us in a way that I think is appropriate, and that there's no alarm or, oh my God, why would you have done such a thing?

And I think all of that fear comes again back to being a little kid and being like, "Oh no, someone's gonna go, 'Oh no, why did you do such a thing?' and be mad at you or try to take it back or change it retroactively." And that seems very scary.

But I'm realizing that as an adult woman, that's not going to happen. I'm not living that life. Like, pretty much I get to make the choices in my life, and circumstances can change and there are things that will happen in the world that I have no control over.

But in my circle, in my household, in my garden, in my life, in my parenting, in my relationships,

They do have a lot of control. And these people know me, and I love them, and they love me, and it's gonna be okay.

And I think for all of you, when you look at your life and your relationships,

There are ones in which you're like, "I do feel safe and I feel love there and I feel like I can be a little bit more me, and I can't explain, but I don't have to explain."

Or if I explain now the things that are important to me and how I make decisions it means that later on, when I'm making decisions, I don't have to explain every single one of them.

That feels like such a powerful, comfortable, secure place to be.

And I want that for everybody because I think we're all just happier, chiller, nicer, kinder people when we feel like we have that level of trust in our lives, but it also starts with trusting ourselves first.

And I think that self-trust is what shows up there when you're able to just do something and not worry about having to justify it, where you're able to be in the moment and follow what's true to you following your values and your thought process and your logic and your feelings.

And you take an action and go, "Okay, that was pretty aligned with who I am, and I don't feel bad about it."

It leads to being able to act with precision and act without regret, and to not have to be confused about why you do some things.

Ooh, that's a good one to talk about. So what happens if you find that you do something and you're kind of confused about why you did it because that's kind of the opposite?

That is, where you are trying to explain yourself, often to yourself, "Why was I impulsive? Why did I do this thing?"

And I think when that comes up,

It's, oh, I feel like sometimes we're pushing back against something that we've been held back from.

Like when we go and stay up really late, even though we're really tired because we just didn't get any time to ourselves and we didn't feel like we had any good things and we just need time to decompress.

We all know we should just go to sleep, but we also know that we're not going to and we just are going to stay up and binge watch shows and it's going to be fine and tomorrow we'll be cranky, but at least we had that moment.

What is that? Revenge bed-time procrastination? Of course, we all do it. And then we explain to ourselves, like, well, why would I have done such a thing?

And the answer usually is we haven't been giving ourselves or having a space to express ourselves that felt right or appropriate. So if that's what's happening and you're explaining yourself a lot, if you find a common theme in there.

It can be helpful to notice what that is, to see if there's a place that makes sense, that can get changed, that helps that situation kind of automatically resolve or become less of a situation.

I'm all about figuring out systems in your life that help you to just have less friction, less pushback, less stress.

I love that, and I want that for all of you.

So if there's something that comes up that you keep trying to be like, "Oh, but I need, oh, but I need,"

What is that need? And then that's where you go, "Okay, I've identified what the need is."

What if we took time to brainstorm out what are ways that need could be fulfilled?

What are things that could happen, and to be outrageous with it and be like in an ideal world, you know like in a different job with different people, whatever, but then eventually we come back to like within reality as it currently is.

What might be able to be slightly adjusted that might surprise you?

And I have found...

Okay, I found that question incredibly helpful and also frustrating.

So I want to be clear about that too, is when I say, "What am I willing to be surprised about?" Usually my initial answer is a huge pushback of, "Hell no."

I don't want to be told to be hopeful about this or whatever because I'm right, because I'm angry and I'm frustrated.

If I'm giving myself enough space and time and energy and potentially like, help and support from other people and feedback to see what other options are,

I can ease up on that and allow some help and space in and that helps a lot too.

I think whenever I have resistance to hope, it usually means that I've been really stepped on for a while.

Or I've been doing something that I didn't want to do or putting up with something that I didn't want to put up with for a very long time.

So if that's where you're at, I'm really giving you a huge hug and going like, "Sister, I see you." I get it.

Also, maybe allow someone you trust or even yourself to give you a perspective and some ideas of what might potentially help your situation so that you don't have to keep explaining yourself, so that you don't have to keep being tired by that.

So that you don't have to keep living in a world in a situation that makes you feel like you're constantly begging to be seen and get that support and get that help.

Because things can change and often it doesn't take as huge of a shift as we think when we're caught under that for things to get lighter and better.

If you are looking for support with things like that, please come check out the website at anchoredandalive.com.

Talk to a friend, reach out to someone that you love and trust. And trust yourself.

You've got this, and you know what's going on in your life more than anyone else. And you do know what you need, so trust that.

Next week we're going to talk about the discipline of self-trust and what it means to really cultivate that and ourselves and what it takes throughout the year.

But we're going to explore it right now because the beginning of May is like a really wonderful time of setting up self-nurturing and being able to cultivate a life that helps you trust yourself more for the whole year through.

I will see you next time. Have a wonderful week. Until then.

🌿 Related Episodes

Continue exploring this spring series on self-trust, identity, and healthy boundaries:

🌿 When You Start Outgrowing an Old Version of Yourself
Navigating the emotional mix of grief, relief, and uncertainty when identity shifts.

🌿 Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Uncomfortable at First
Understanding why boundaries feel unnatural at first and how they become easier with practice.

🌿 How to Activate Spring Energy Without Burning Out
Using rising motivation in sustainable ways instead of pushing yourself into exhaustion.

🌿 The Urge to Reinvent Yourself — Spring Experiments Without Burnout
Why spring often makes us want to change everything and how to experiment without overwhelm.

🌿 Start Living in Rhythm with Your Energy

If you’re beginning to notice how your energy, emotions, and motivation shift through the seasons, the Living in Rhythm Starter Kit will help you work with those rhythms instead of fighting them.

Inside the free guide you’ll find tools to help you:

• understand your emotional cycles
• reduce burnout and overwhelm
• align your goals with seasonal energy
• build supportive rhythms that actually fit your life

Download the free guide here.