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Hello everybody. This week comes with a lot of weirdness. I guess that's what I want to say. This week is weird, and I think it's weird because it's this gap between a holiday celebration and then another holiday celebration, which is New Year's Eve.
And they both seem really different to me, but also kind of the same. And there's so much expectation around what a new year brings and what I should be thinking about or what might be about to happen.
And it feels like there's a lot of prep that should be happening, but at the same time, there's this dissonance that's...
Be home, be chill, don't do anything. You probably shouldn't be cleaning up or like putting away your holiday decorations yet because there's time for that after the new year, except we all know there isn't time for that after the new year because then we all go back to work and when is there time for that?
So there's this push and pull and frustration about what we're doing and what we have done. There's this need to look back and reflect on our life and how we lived the last year and what happened.
And I don't know who taught me this or where it was taught, and I'm wondering if you feel this way as well,
But it seems like at the end of December going into January, there's like all of these year-in-review things.
So even when I read the New York Times, there's like, what's your Best Of list and what did you do and what did you learn and all of this stuff?
And I find that really digestible and fun and I want to learn all the things that other people learned and that are cool.
But it makes me ask of myself, you know, where have I been? Where did I walk? What did I do? And what did I accomplish?
And there it is. You can feel your heart fall into your stomach. We're like, "What did I accomplish?" Dun dun dun...
and you're either really proud of something or you're just kind of feeling like no matter what you did, it probably wasn't enough, and why haven't we gotten farther in life than we already are?
There's people that I talk to on a regular basis that feel so behind.
I feel sometimes so behind and like I can't compare my life to other people's but I want to and maybe I should.
And then I feel like, well, probably I shouldn't. And there's such conflicting feelings. And it drives me crazy.
So let's talk about it because I don't think any of us need this kind of shame, looking back at our lives or looking forward into the future.
So let's talk about shame and what it is and what it feels like and let's decouple it from this week and from this expectation around the new year because it doesn't serve us at all.
And it's not really a necessary feeling and it's certainly not a helpful feeling. So let's start there.
Ugh. First, I would say, shame is like a taught description of a feeling - like it's a feeling but it's not who you are and it's not a definition of who you are or of your worthiness or anything like that.
For me, shame comes when I'm comparing myself, particularly around an accomplishment that I wish I had done that I hadn't done, to other people who have done the thing, or I think have done the thing, or I think feel a different way than I do.
And then I go, "Why can't I be like them?" And I get all angsty about it and it's ridiculous.
I hate that. I'm sure you do too. So how do we stop feeling that way? Oof, it's a good question, isn't it?
So the first thing I would say that's worked for me, for the most part, in I guess disassembling or pulling apart the Lego blocks of shame in my life is to recognize that feeling bad about who we are generally is a structure that we've put together like a meaning tower.
That is completely artificial and isn't anything to do with the structure of who you actually are.
So if you think of yourself as like you're this being, and however you present yourself, like there's presenting yourself with pride, there's presenting yourself with care or dignity, there's presenting yourself with grace, all of these different descriptors.
Now if I'm describing it as a person, you probably had this idea in your head of like, "Oh yeah, there's regal people, there's dignified people, we can think of their posture and their stance and all of that."
But if I think of it as a plant, like if it was just a plant that grew, how would I describe a plant as having dignity or shame or fear or any of these things?
And to me it would be the structure that I put around that plant or the framework that I put around them that allowed them to thrive or be seen or not seen.
So if I think of myself as that plant, I go, "Oh, okay, I can feel shameful when I'm wilting or when I seem to not be able to do what I'm meant to do" as a plant. So maybe I'm like underneath a glass jar and that jar is kind of dirty and dingy.
And one that's blocking the view of me, so I feel ashamed like, "Oh, this is so awful."
But I think also what that does to the plant, like when there's the structure put around it that isn't meant to be there or that isn't supportive of that particular plant,
It does wilt and it does not look as good. And part of that is because the conditions that it needs to thrive and be the best plant it can be are lacking.
Stick with me because I know this is a weird metaphor, but I feel like
In our lives, we put a lot of expectations around ourselves and we feel shameful or guilty or sad or stressed because we're not achieving what we know we could be or what we feel that other people are. But if you look at their circumstances and their platforms, like what does their garden look like?
What does their, what is their structure around them provide? Are they like a well-watered garden? Do they have lots of fresh air and light? Are there like people coming in and tending to them and helping them to achieve in every possible way?
And then if you look at someone else or yourself and you go, "Oh, my garden is lacking a little bit in fresh air and daylight and someone coming into prune."
And mine's just like left in the wild or worse, you think like, oh, well, my garden is actually like underneath this, you know, structure that...
Like the shed fell down over it and there's a board in the way and I have to go around it and it's all weird.
Suddenly, if you look at that and go, "Oh, maybe it's not me. Maybe innately I'm not the problem. Maybe the structure around me is not as supportive in some way as I actually require."
For me, that strips so much of the internalizing of "What did I do wrong, why wasn't I able to, why haven't I achieved?" and all of that.
So, this isn't to say that we are all just plants and completely incapable of uprooting ourselves and moving to where we need to go because I think
We do have that kind of agency and we are able to affect our lives more meaningfully than just only leaning towards the light and hoping for the best.
We do have more than that. And we also really do...
function as part of an ecosystem in our lives. We are not just these single people achieving and doing everything on our own.
So, when you realize that, you go, "Okay, I do have an infrastructure that's around me."
And that affects me deeply. It really, really does. I can't expect to be at my best if the surrounding environment is not supportive of
My goals, my needs, my wants, my desires, my body, my feelings, all of those things.
And I can find what does. And I can encourage what does. And I might be able to alter this garden so that it's providing more irrigation or fresh air or light. Or I could move the thing that's crushing me.
Or move away, transplant myself to a new garden where like better conditions exist. Anyway.
We just went down the little garden route for a while, but it's what's in my brain when I think about thriving and when I think about what's happened in my life and in...
my accomplishments over a year.
Sometimes I like to look at it not as a list of things that I did or didn't do, but to go, "Okay, if I could just visualize myself or my life as a garden, what's blooming and what is in? What harvest did I have, what things grew, what did I nourish, what did I forget to nourish?"
What unexpectedly came up in the sky that I really love, that I want to plant again, or that I need to weed out.
Looking at it that way, it becomes much more interactive and fun for me, and I think that you might appreciate that as well to go, "Okay, well if I look at my last year and think if this was a story of a garden, and my life is this garden. And there were some things that were already planted there that were growing and how did it do?"
And what new things came up that I intentionally or unintentionally planted or just fell in because life blew those seeds into my life?
What happened? and could I look at it and go, well, what did I gain from some of that? Was some of it supportive, was some of it destructive?
And to realize that everyone experiences that. And that sometimes when we get ashamed or feel bad about things having gone poorly.
We're forgetting to zoom out and notice that everybody's garden has some kind of external interference.
And that the people that we think are doing really, really well often have a great deal of outside help.
So, if you could think of them as like, they have gardeners, they have people that come in and help them tend to their garden. Like it doesn't just randomly happen to them.
Their structure has built in a lot of support that helps pull out the weeds that helps prevent invasive species and all these other things from taking hold whereas perhaps in our lives we don't really have that help yet.
And it helps you make sense of when you think something has run away from you or something has gotten really hard.
I really want you to have compassion for yourself when you look at your life that way to go, okay.
Let's just look at the garden, what happened, and look at it in an objective way.
For me, when I look back at my last year, I find it really helpful. I love looking at the story of the year and what happened. It helps me make sense of everything. That's how my brain works.
I need to be able to feel the story of it and feel the meaning of it and figure out how it all hit me and what I want to use it for because
That helps me find meaning in what's happened in my life and without that I would collapse.
So I will look at just writing down facts.
What happened, what didn't happen. Maybe I write, what were my expectations or things that I had hoped.
And then I have learned to add, and this is so important, I think, Do I still care about that?
If I set a goal at the beginning of the year or last year or two years ago,
And I had a trajectory that I thought I was on. I need. I need to look at it and say, "Do I even still care about that stuff?"
Has it changed? Do I care about that but in a different way? Do I need it to turn out a certain way? And if so, why?
Because asking those questions helps me identify the reasons that I did, the things that I did. The reasons that I would allow certain balls to drop and pick up other ones. The reasons that my attention directs and the directions that it goes.
I think that it's so helpful to look at life as an experience that's unfolding and that, you know, it's not linear for all of us.
Most of us can't just get on the escalator and go up. Like it just doesn't work that way or at least it certainly doesn't in my life. Like I can get on an escalator and then I find that like somehow there was a tight wire that I needed to walk across to the southern area and then I kind of like went down a slide and then there was water and then I had to climb a mountain like there's just so many things that happen and
It's not distraction, really. It's just my process.
And I've learned that everyone has their own process too. And none of ours look alike.
And I think it's why we all end up so frustrated right now this week when we look at each other and go
How did this all happen? How did we get here? And what do I want to change about myself and the way that I do things?
It is so much healthier and happier for me when I look at life and go.
"What am I enjoying? What can I be really happy that I have or have done?
Things that are working in my life, and I really start from there and I can say like, "Blaze, you know what? You're great at figuring out what things mean. Thank goodness."
"You have an amazing family around you. Thank goodness." You know, like I'll go through and just list values, things that I care about and aspects, but not necessarily
outward accomplishments, and maybe that would be helpful for you as well as to go, "What are the things about me that I appreciate and that I like?"
Do I like who I am? Do I like at least some parts of who I am? So do I like my resilience or my creativity or just...
the music that I listen to? Do I appreciate my sense of humor, the shows that I like to watch, or that I put up with some things that my husband likes that I don't like?
And I'm proud that I do that and I like that about myself, you know? Having all of those things really helps you to center yourself in a healthier space that helps you look back at your year with a little bit more objectivity and to be able to contextualize what's gone on and what's happened.
I find also a great thing to do at this point in time if you're compelled to look back, which I think many of us are, is to not only look at the facts of what happened, but to also say,
If this was my friend telling me that this is what happened in their life, what would I have to say about it or what would I have observed about that?
Because it lets you detach a little bit from your own personal experience and go, "Oh, right, if this was someone else, here's what I have to say about it."
or here's what I would appreciate about what they've done or chosen not to do.
It allows you to have more compassion for yourself if that's not your first instinct.
And I think for so many of us, compassion for ourselves is not the first instinct. It's always compassion for other people.
It's so important that you give this to yourself too. To just be able to be there for yourself and say, you know, I really appreciate that you've shown up and done the hard work.
And that you kept showing up even when it was difficult, that you have this resilience and you even though it doesn't feel like it right now.
And to be able to meet yourself where you are and say with honesty.
Wow, we're doing pretty well, like I'm surprised that we got here and I'm ready to go forward or to go, "Wow, you know what? This has been a really hard year and I need to be here for myself."
And here's what I would give to my friends, so maybe this is what I should try to provide for myself or ask for in order to find that support. The end of the year has...
Like I said at the beginning, like so much going on, so much expectation. We're looking forward into 2026 going, "My God, how are we gonna survive this?"
What do we have to do now? Oh my goodness.
So recognizing that when things are difficult, when there's a lot asked of us.
When there's instability and things that aren't certain. I think that also brings up a swell of emotion and sense of unease and fear that we're not going to be able to do enough to take care of ourselves, let alone compare to what we think we were supposed to have done or what anyone else is doing.
In those moments, I think it's important to just boil it down to survival and realize that
Here we are, and if you're here and you're listening to the podcast, congratulations! You're a survivor. Like, you're here. You've survived to listen to this.
That's awesome. Keep going. You know, keep doing what you're doing. You're not doing poorly if you've managed to get this far.
And there's always going to be something that you can do that makes your experience a little bit easier and a little bit lighter and a little bit kinder.
What is that thing? What's one small thing that you can do that would make you feel really nice?
Just right now. For me, I'm thinking about having a really nice... bubbly orange soda water and that seems really refreshing and nice to me and like the next really kind thing I could do for myself.
And I'm telling you about that one because it's so mundane. It's so stupid. It's just a glass of water.
But it makes me know where I'm going next, which makes my whole body feel relaxed and like, "Oh, okay, I know the next step." And it's not that far ahead. I don't have to work too hard for that. That seems pretty doable and achievable.
When I go and get that water after I'm done recording, it's going to feel so satisfying because I was able to meet a need that I stated out loud to myself.
That's such a relief, oh my God. I love very simple things like that, that I can repeat a lot because small wins feel really, really good.
And I think we're all deserving of that and we could use more of it. And that I think, I don't know, I like congratulating my friends when we do very small things like, yay, you know, we drove home and we made it, you know, or...
We went for a walk and we saw a bird and it was excellent!
And I just enjoy celebrating those small victories because it's reinforcing that we do get to choose some things. They're not necessarily huge, life changing, life altering moments, but we do get to choose them.
And that feels so good and so nice. And it lets us realize that looking forward, we can choose even more. And looking backwards, we can appreciate all of the times we said yes to something small like that and nourishing and good.
What can you look back this year at and think that was nourishing and small but so good?
Let's think about that for just a moment together because I want to end on that note of like, "Ah, yeah."
I look back and I did something small and nourishing and good. Mmm.
So what's mine? Hmm. Weirdly, the thing that's coming into my mind that's making me like the happiest right now is thinking about the gift that I got for my daughter for Christmas.
And it wasn't like a crazy present or anything huge, it was just getting her a comforter that's in the color that she really likes and that I know she's going to use and that it's going to feel so warm and fluffy and nice and cozy.
And I think to myself, wow, like if you could do that, if you could get to the end of the year and you knew your kid and you knew her tastes and things that she liked and you could bring a smile to her face and give her something that will nourish her for the whole year, that makes me feel so good!
And I think about it as like, wow, that's like not a blow you away kind of present. Like I'm not giving something extravagant. It's nothing huge.
I almost think of it as a comparison to when I was a kid and my parents would get me like socks and underwear for Christmas because they knew I needed it.
And you would think, "Oh, that's so terrible. Why would you get that when all I wanted was like candy canes and ponies and all of these things?"
And yet I look at it now and I remember those things and go, "I'm so grateful that I got them." And I think to myself with my connection with my own child, to be able to have given her a present that really works that I know she's going to appreciate and use that I'm going to experience with her. That feels so connecting and nourishing and good and small but effective and nice.
Yes. So, I'm glad I can share that with you and I'm glad that I'm going to share it with her. And then I'm going to snowball it because this is something that I do, that I also enjoy, is why not snowball all of the little things that you're really happy about that went well or that you did well?
I'm thrilled that I've got my cat and she's so sweet and wonderful and that she's been healthy this year and she curls up on my lap almost every time I sit down and if I'm wearing big skirts like I do this time of year,
It makes like this wonderful little pouch that she sinks into and it just makes me feel happy like I'm wearing a blanket that I get to hold the cat in.
I'm thrilled that I've made really good friends with my neighbor across the street and we play music together and she gets along amazingly with my daughter and we connect about cats and the neighborhood and walking and just everything. It's wonderful sewing and crafting.
I'm grateful for so many things. So I want to leave you with that as well. What are all the things that you're just so grateful for because directing your attention in that direction is so nourishing and right now I'm smiling.
But it's feeling like a smile that's deep in my chest, that's a smile of contentment.
And that's the exact opposite of what I started out this episode feeling, and I hope it's feeling the same for you too.
That when you think of your year and all of the comparison stuff, if you're able to drop that even for a moment and think about who you are.
The things that you really love and that you appreciate and cherish, even if it's just today, without worrying about what it means or what you need to do next. You are in exactly the right space and the right place and allow yourself to just melt into that feeling.
Nourish yourself, give yourself that appreciation and that space to just love yourself and appreciate yourself, you so deserve it.
Have a wonderful...
New Year! I can't wait to talk to you then. And I'll see you then. We'll talk about all the things.
So, have yourself a wonderful evening and I'll talk to you soon.
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