Permission to Pause: Turning Holiday Stress into a Real Break Podcast Transcript

Listen to the full episode here: Listen to Episode 07 Now

Hello everybody. I just had a really interesting reframe about holiday gatherings and what it all means and what goes on in this season in December in particular.

We talked extensively about stress and rest and New Year's resolutions and all of that stuff in the last several episodes, but I'm wondering if perhaps originally all of these gatherings that we have at this time of year were never actually intended to stress us out and make us feel like we have a lot that we have to do.

It feels laughable because I think for most of us we're like, "Oh, okay, yeah, we want to gather with everybody, but there's so much that has to be done to make that possible."

What if the intent really was a signal that it's time to gather and to slow down?

That the gathering was actually a permission for everybody to have a break and to not be working so hard and to not be doing all this other stuff.

And perhaps it's gotten garbled over the years and the centuries because we have such a high work ethic and such a high value as a society placed on work and having these very busy full schedules.

And so now when we have a built-in break, the break feels like it's additional work.

How does that feel or sound to you? Because to me, it just made so much sense to me that this is how it's feeling now, because we have so much else going on.

If we weren't feeling compelled to constantly be producing, constantly be getting ahead and working extra hours and saving extra money and doing extra things,

Wouldn't a gathering among friends to just celebrate and relax and listen to music and share some gifts and eat some food feel really nice?

And I wonder why it doesn't sometimes for us. And I also think that on the bookends of life as a young kid and then again as an older person, you're able to enjoy these holidays in the spirit of rest and getting together with family and just really enjoying and receiving.

And perhaps again, we see that because when you're a child, you're not yet in the workforce. And when you're older, you've perhaps retired and you're no longer in the workforce.

And so you have this opportunity to appreciate a gathering and a holiday in a way that everyone who's working just doesn't have the capacity for and doesn't understand.

Anyway, it was a revelation to me to look at it in that way and to consider perhaps my misconceptions about what the holidays are all about because still being in the middle of everything and the thick of it, it just has felt sometimes like, "Oh my gosh, it's like this huge... obligation or this thing that has to happen."

And then I still have glimmers of gorgeousness with it, where I'm getting together with people that I really love and I'm having a great time and I love the food and I love hearing everyone laugh.

And those are the highlights and the good points for me. And I like sharing things and giving gifts and I like receiving them too, but...

Often it just gets caught in this flurry of motion and so much going on.

It's only recently that I'm learning how to slow down and to actually be present and to appreciate what's going on.

Some of that happened for me and having my daughter in these last years.

Being able to witness things again, right? Watching her grow up and her... her... point of view and the way that she delights in everything and the capacity for joy and delight and expectation of awesomeness that she has for every gathering.

And I wonder how it is that we lose that wonder, I guess, for a time. But then how do we rediscover it again?

And I guess that's what I want this episode to be about is rediscovering our wonder for the holidays and learning how to take care of ourselves so that it's possible to feel that and to recognize when we need a moment to pause so that we can gain that capacity again to treat the holidays as a holiday and not as an obligation or something that's happening to us.

So...

In December, there's a specific holiday rhythm that happens with gatherings where you know when you're going to get time off from work, you know when your family's coming or you're planning for it.

And every family has its own traditions and routines. So you know specifically how things are probably going to run.

And you know the seasonal shift that's happening that says, OK, we might expect snowfall and it's going to be colder.

We want to put a fire in the fireplace and everyone's going to gather around and we want to watch these specific shows that often holds like childhood memories for us and that make us feel good and we associate them of memories of family members that may no longer be here with us or of being a kid ourselves and having snow days and getting ready for the holidays.

And all of that invites us to slow down. And ironically, sometimes it blocks us from slowing down because we feel now like we have so many things that we want to do where we feel like we have to do to check off the list in order to make it a successful holiday.

What if we didn't look at any of the things that we've set up as mandatory but more as celebratory or something that we could do or that we get to do, but it isn't a big tragedy if we don't do it?

So for example, in terms of holiday movies,

There are ones that I really enjoy and there's ones that I don't depending on who's around or what's going on. Sometimes I'll get to watch all of them or none of them.

And then anyone who has a kid knows, sometimes you end up watching a movie that you don't want to watch or that was nice the first time, but on the 30th run through in the same week, you're just starting to burn out on it and you don't really feel that holiday joy anymore.

So it's taking the season for what it is and realizing that for me anyway, I don't have to enjoy every moment of it.

I don't need to feel like December needs to be a continual moment of building holiday cheer and building up to this moment where it has to be perfect. Really the reality of it is December is long and it's getting darker and it's colder and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's really windy and there's all the outdoor chores that I need to get done before actual snow happens and roof maintenance.

Making sure the sidewalks fine and testing out the snow blower and all of that stuff is happening simultaneous to the get your house ready to entertain guests and like let's put up this giant Christmas tree that takes up the whole foyer and makes it difficult to move around.

And I've often found it difficult or frustrating to try to find joy in that because sometimes I feel like it's just another thing that I have to be doing in order to get to the holiday and the break.

And that the vacation that we get just isn't really long enough. It's basically like you get to have Christmas off and then it's close enough to New Year's that you'll also have that off too.

But then hit the ground running and it's January and your vacation time is over and there won't be any built in breaks I think until February or March in a typical work calendar in the US, which is just exhausting. So you go into it already tired.

And you know that that week you're just, let's be honest, like you have the joy of having everything up because it is really nice and pretty and maybe you have like lovely Christmas trees and menorahs and all the beautiful things, the Yule logs out there and then you recognize that after that, it has to get cleaned up too and you have that decision that you have to make which is:

Am I taking it down right after Christmas or after New Year's or like halfway through February?

It's like another thing that I have to do. Should I do it while I still have vacation or should I do it, you know, on another weekend? And there's both the like, woo, I got to enjoy it! But also there's like, oh, man, I've got to clean it up too.

So I find it easier just recognizing in myself that I do have this push-pull. There's the enjoyment and then there's the resentment and there's like, I had fun playing with my toys, but now I have to clean them up and I don't like that part as much.

What if that's all okay? I guess that's what I'm coming to is, what if it's all okay? And we don't have to worry about that so much.

I think what we do need in this season is time to allow ourselves to process all of the changes. And because December asks us to do so many things, there's a lot of changes that we have to process.

The setting up, the travel, the work, then the transition to not work, then the entertaining, the cleaning up from entertaining, preparing for a new year.

Honestly, for most of us, the work prep that goes into having a few weeks off and recognizing that even as we're enjoying our vacation, the thoughts creep in of like all of the things that we're gonna have to compensate for when we get back that fell behind.

And it can be energetically and emotionally taxing and make it harder to enjoy time that we have. I can't tell you not to do that. I mean, we all know that it's not highly helpful or effective to dwell on any of that stuff.

I would say that things that do help is building in time to breathe and relax and be present with what you're actually enjoying now and remind yourself that everything that's going to happen is going to happen anyway.

For me, just knowing what the next month or the next season, the next week, tomorrow, even just knowing what my tasks are and what that might look like is highly helpful.

Particularly if I have it written down and stowed away somewhere, or that I have a place where I can add to it if I have a thought that I'm worried about or that I want to address later so that it's getting put somewhere, not in my brain, so that I don't have to keep thinking about it so that I can allow myself to just sleep easy at night and go,

"Don't worry, Blaze, you're not going to forget that you have this important letter to send or that the taxes are coming, or whatever it is that gets in my brain and just gets stuck there on repeat."

I can go, "Oh, okay, I had the thought about that, and I'm just gonna go write it down, and don't worry, I'll be able to address it later."

And for me, part of enjoying December is setting up my January to be a little bit easier.

But also reminding myself that because January is a longer and slower month,

There's plenty of time for catching up generally versus right now, where we're just, I don't know, things are flying fast in December for me anyway, where there's sports for my kid, there's travel, like it's dark now and we're picking up at the bus stop, so there's like no longer a walk, it has to be a drive because you'll get hit by a car in the dark if you don't do it that way.

There's preparing for the holidays. There's last minute...

I mean, even if you already have all your presents, it's the wrapping of the presents and the hiding of the presents and the bringing down the presents, like all of the stuff.

There's a lot going on and when I recognize that there is going to be time where nothing is expected of me, where there is nothing to prepare for. So after all of this, I can just enjoy the holiday.

So when it happens,

Woohoo, I did it. Like, I made it and we're enjoying it and I don't need to clean it up right away because there is time.

And that even if I don't get to cleaning everything up until the very end of January, the next time there's like a big holiday break or anything and there's another season like this is sometime in February or March or even April if we're talking about the school year.

So there's lots of time and that allows me to calm my nervous system and let myself feel like, "Oh, thank goodness. It's gonna be okay. I don't need to do it all today."

No one's going to expect it to happen or if they did, they don't need to know about it because they're not here in my house in my stuff and I can clean it up however I want and do it whenever I need to. It's not that big of a deal.

Thank goodness.

In talking about sports and preparing for the basketball season for my daughter. I think about when I actually have games and how there's always going to be some referee and when they card people for like...

Don't do this, don't do that: it's a card.

And I thought, well, what if we had a card system for ourselves in this month to just tell us that we need to pause?

So when we see ourselves doing too much or pushing too hard or getting a little bit wound up and crazy.

What if I told my daughter it's okay to card me for that and like lift up the pause card and be like I'm giving you a penalty because you're doing too much?

And I'm wondering if that would be like a really fun, almost holiday tradition to be able to call ourselves out for getting stressed out and almost enforce a pause upon us.

It's playful, it's not in any kind of mean spirit, but a way to notice or have your friends and family be able to help you calm down.

So if I told my daughter, "Hey, if you notice that I'm starting to get like a little titchy and dinner times getting a little stressful or you come to talk to me and I'm not willing to stop whatever I'm correcting on my computer,"

You can flag me essentially and say, "Hey! Pause Card. It's time for you to take a break."

And for me to go, "Oh wow, maybe that's something that I do need a warning for."

And maybe it is something that's too hard for me to do for myself and I need someone else to step in and be able to share that with me in order to give me that permission to slow down. How different would this week and month feel?

And honestly, if it just became a future habit, that people could tell you to slow down when you're getting too into stuff and help you return to presence.

And I really do wonder what that might feel like. So I think I'm going to implement it as an experiment and give my daughter

A little flag, because we've been doing some sewing and we've got extra fabric so we can actually make a little flag for her to wait for me.

And I'm sure she'll be very enthusiastic about this because what kid doesn't want more attention from their mom to be able to say, hey, you seem like really caught up in stuff and maybe it's time for you to pause. Is it actually that important?

And of course, for me to be able to decide is it that important or not and recognize what my rhythms are, and maybe come up with a more functional one. That's a really interesting experiment, and I'm going to really look forward to that.

So what would it be like for you to build in taking a break or to look at holiday gatherings as this opportunity for a break rather than as an obligation or a sprint or a obstacle course that we're trying to get through, or a checklist of things that need to be accomplished and instead take it for what it really is intended to be, which is this gathering among people that you care about?

To take a moment and take a break and stop and rest, which is what I think the whole season really is meant for.

I think if I was out and a squirrel or a fox or something, I would just be...

I hold up in a nice cozy den. I come out only for the very brightest, warmest part of the day.

Chew on some stuff and then go back to sleep because that sounds really, really nice. And then I might want to go out and look at the stars in the moon because it's really pretty in the evening, so when it gets clear like that.

There's something about when the air is so dry and calm, that the moon just has this amazing presence and the stars are easier to see.

I think that could be a nice thing to just slow down enough to do.

Mmm, so my friends.

I hope that you don't fall victim to the productivity engine and that you're able to give yourself some moments to rest. If you also want to do the flag experiment to see if people can flag you to say, "Hey, you seem to be like really caught up and stressed about stuff. It might be time for a break."

And see how that changes things. Let's try it and see how it goes.

I am wishing you a marvelous week and I will see you next time where we'll talk a little bit about

dealing with the feelings that the holidays bring up and how to deal with those big feelings. I'll see you then.