You can listen to the full podcast episode here: Listen the Episode 5 now
Hello friends. Last week we were talking all about getting enough rest and being prepared for the holidays and ways to normalize taking breaks for ourselves.
And I wanted to check in and see how you're doing because I'm sure that we all nailed it and we're feeling amazing and energized and ready to tackle this week with full enthusiasm and like we've just absolutely nailed it with how we handled last week.
And even just saying that made me want to throw up in my mouth a little because nobody feels like that.
We are all feeling completely and utterly exhausted despite our best efforts.
So if you, too, are feeling like, "What's wrong with me? Why am I so tired? Why do I just need a break from everything?"
I want you to hear that you are not alone. I think that is where we're all at and it's a natural outcome of everything that's going on around us and all of the demands that we have in this season. Every single year, it just boggles me that we try to pack so much into so few weeks.
And particularly that we do it at a time when everybody is gathering inside more, it's getting colder.
People are falling ill more often because we're interacting with relatives that we haven't seen that live long distances away and we're just exchanging all of our microbes. So either you're already coming down with something or you're about to have something next week.
And I say that with just all love and support because I'm one of them and I know it's going to happen to me too.
And we all want to think it's not going to be us, and we all have that underlying dread; that feeling of, we know what's going to happen because we're all just so burnt out and working so hard without having any recovery time. The natural outcome of that, we all know what it is, which is that we're all going to be too tired and too stressed out, but we're not going to stop and slow down or not work until life smacks us in the face and knocks us over and we get sick and we have to stay home.
And then, you know, we feel bad about that too. What if this year...
We learned how to do it a little bit better? And I offer this really is an honest, like, what if we just do it a little bit better? Because I think that's more attainable than thinking that we're going to just somehow solve the beginning of winter problem that we all have, which is that we're all tired and working too hard.
We can't just decide that we're not going to participate anymore. But I think that we can learn better coping methods and have more reasonable expectations of ourselves so that we're capable of making kinder decisions.
Slowing down even a little bit and giving ourselves little breathers that allow us to weather all of these hits to our system a little bit better. So I want to just acknowledge the cumulative fatigue that we have. For me, oh my gosh, it feels like wanting to wake up every morning and feeling like I should be getting way more done.
It's me facing all of my failures of the past year of what I thought I wanted to accomplish and yet haven't yet.
So there's like a little taster of the new year already starting to surface. There's the thoughts of needing to prepare for the holidays upcoming. So we just had one, but then there's also...
But wait, there's more! Have I gotten presents for everyone? Have I thought of them well enough and taken care of everyone well enough?
And how are my finances and how will I finagle all of that? And what about the calendar and making sure that people can come and go and everything's happening?
And looking at it is an interesting experience because I'm both so excited and happy to have people in my life that I'm looking forward to spending time with.
and I genuinely want to hang out with them a lot and just enjoy my friendships and enjoy my family.
And simultaneously, I'm so exhausted looking at those commitments and thinking, "But when do I get to do nothing?"
And I wonder if perhaps when you look at your very full calendar in the week's upcoming, you're also having that feeling of "but wait!"
What about sleep? What about rest? What about catching up? Is there any time that I can reasonably do so? I think in both our working lives and our personal lives,
There's this rush at the end of the year, like there's deadlines to be met and quotas that we want to connect with and do.
And as we hit this last month of the year, there's this almost desperation to prove that everything we did added up to something positive.
There's wanting to feel like if we finish a big project before, you know, January 1.
It means that we've succeeded and we feel like we then deserve the praise. And I have to question that and wonder why do we give this particular season are these dates so much more credence and heaviness than we would any other time? And I ask this in particular because we are in an actual season of slowing down.
Where our natural rhythm embodies as embodied people and beings would be to slow the heck down and be quieter and not try to accomplish as much. So if there is the big push, I suppose it's um...
Mirrored in nature with squirrels like okay we needed to make sure that we packed away enough stuff to take care of us over the winter so maybe that's part of the drive with trying to check all the boxes with our hobbies, with our work, with our schedule, with our friendships, all of those things in support of us surviving, right, another cold, long winter and wanting to make sure that we're going to be okay.
What I would like to remind you is that if you are listening to this...
You are blessed. You are living a life where you're able to listen.
to a broadcast, listen to a podcast on your own time because you chose to
Things probably aren't so dire for you that you're not going to survive the coming month.
Most likely, somehow, you're gonna pull through, and so am I. And that feels pretty comforting.
It genuinely does. It's so interesting to take that moment to just count a small blessing and go, "Well, how dire and bad is it? Why am I pushing so hard?"
And I'd like you to question that too if you're pushing really hard at your own expense.
Why? Why would you want to work so hard that you might fall ill? Because you're so tired you haven't slept, but you need to stay up and keep doing things.
There's a lot of reasons that we do it. I can name some for you now. I definitely find I stay up later and try to do more in some ways as a pushback against feeling like I haven't been able to do anything fun or that I just need some downtime. And the thing that I most need is to just close my eyes and go to sleep, but instead of doing that, I feel like I just want to enjoy it more than sleep will give me.
So I'll stay up and watch a show, or read a book, or do some more knitting, or just do anything like play a game.
And then later I kind of regret it. So that, I guess I would say is an ineffective coping method, but it's something that we do.
And if you find that you're in that rhythm right now where you wanna push back because you're feeling like you're not getting enough, I would invite you to notice that and next time you notice it go, well, what actually would feel good right now, for real?
And most of the time, my answer personally, isn't that it would feel great to keep scrolling Instagram, or it would feel great to, you know, doom scroll, all these news stories.
And often it isn't even to just stay up and keep playing a game and clicking my computer mouse as fun as that is.
It's usually that it would feel so much better to just have some water or tea and turn down the lights and just become for a minute. And it's something that I've had to learn how to become more comfortable with.
I know that being comfortable with silence, being comfortable with pausing and slowing down and not doing stuff is a skill that is not cultivated often enough.
But I would love to teach the world and at least the people in my corner of it, how to do it a little more often because I think we become much more pleasant people to hang out with when we're able to be chill, like genuinely chill, and not feel like we have to constantly be rushing around doing stuff.
I will ask you this. How do you feel when you're around people that can't slow down enough to engage in conversation with you or be present? So you show up and you have something that you want to talk about or you want to hang out with somebody.
But they're busy cleaning their kitchen or scurrying around making stuff for you.
And they're asking you questions, but they're also tidying or they're preparing for like leaving and they're putting stuff in their backpack to go.
Or maybe they're even on their phone and not looking at you, how does that feel?
I don't think it feels very good. It makes me feel like, you know, you're just passing by me and not really with me.
And that I'm minimally important, like important enough to kind of pass by but not to engage with.
Sometimes I notice that I do that to myself and I wonder if you have ever noticed that you've done it to yourself too?
I think some of this is that we're worried about how to even feel our own feelings.
Unwilling to be quiet for any length of time because it might feel bad.
I think of this as sometimes like a necessary pain to sit with myself like I did this week, and go, "I'm genuinely tired and I feel bad because I told myself I was going to start getting in more shape and doing a workout more often, like every other day, and go for a walk every day and eat better. So I have all of these goals that I want to do."
And then I'm disappointed in myself because I'm so tired that feels like an impossible reach today.
I think in describing it and saying it out loud, I'm like, man, that feels so human. Who doesn't feel that way?
It's okay. And I don't intend to give up on myself and it's not that I don't want to work out or that I'm not going to.
But I have to ask myself if I'm so tired that even getting up and wandering around and gathering my materials to, honestly, like come lay down in my closet and record this podcast for you.
If that feels so difficult, what makes me think that trying to pump out 30 push-ups and sit-ups and pull-ups and all these other things is going to benefit me today?
And I want to say it like that because I think it's more constructive to ask myself about today.
rather than turn it into a question about my whole week or my whole month or my intention for my life.
In the past, I would phrase these questions for myself and it felt like I was asking myself about my intentions for my whole life. Like if I don't work out today, if I don't do the push-ups today, I must have given up on myself and that's my intention forever.
And many of us have been taught that, that if we think we want to do something, say we're going to do something and then we find that we're too tired to do it, it feels like we've given up on ourselves. So then what I see, both in my practice working with people and coaching and in myself, is that
to prevent ourselves from feeling like we've done that, we will push through really, really hard and hurt ourselves and then make it even harder for us to come back and do the very thing that we're trying to do and be the person that we're trying to be.
I really want to break that habit in myself and it is something that I help my clients do is break that habit in themselves too.
And it starts with being able to acknowledge that it's even happening in the first place. It starts with saying,
Oh yeah, I really do have this very strong and cultivated habit of pushing myself beyond my own breaking point. And when you're able to just see that and go, "Oh, here I am right now." Like, if you look around you right now, anyone you see,
I almost can guarantee you that they are all pushing themselves past their capacity right now this week, this year, particularly this time of year.
Just because we're all doing it doesn't mean that it's healthy and it doesn't mean that it's great and it doesn't mean that it's fun to experience.
And honestly, it doesn't even mean that it's effective. So what if we look at it that way and go, "Okay, if everyone I know around me is pushing themselves past their breaking point,
Why do I want to also do that?" I don't really actually want to complain more about stuff. That doesn't feel good.
And I don't want to hurt myself because that really doesn't feel good and really just causes me more problems.
So, could I allow myself to listen to everything that my body is screaming at me this week?
Take a breath and slow down. I find that... ugh.
actually taking the break, right? Like if I wake up and I realize that I'm tired and I get through the major demands is how I'll describe it. So the major demands for me is, you need to make sure that everybody is up, that we're fed, that everybody got out the door, and they're where they need to go.
If I'm working directly with clients, I'm going to show up and do 100% my best work.
There are usually some other tasks that I need to do. And then I have all of my extras, like the big grand plans of where do I want to take my business and my coursework in the next year?
What do I want to do for my health and fitness? What kind of things are happening for the house?
If I'm mastering hobbies or making presents for people this time of year, all of those things are important and they feel like they have a timeline that's intense, but I need to question that and say,
Do I need to do them all intensely today? If I ask it that way, my answer is no. You don't need to do anything that intensely. You could probably do some of it.
So if you apply that logic to your life, what are the demands that you have on yourself today?
And do you need to do it all intensely? Or could you do it gently or calmly?
Or I mean, honestly, sometimes resentfully, right? Like that tends to be what happens when we're doing it and we're beyond our capacity to give.
How would I like the quality of my day to feel? My answer to that this week is that I wanted to feel calm.
I want to do things calmly this week. I want to feel peaceful about it.
And if that sounds like a really nice quality to have, what would peacefulness require of me?
It would require me letting go of staying up too late trying to solve problems that probably can be solved tomorrow.
Or over the course of several days rather than just tonight this evening in the hour that I have.
Sometimes when problems or stresses come up, we really want to fix it immediately because we don't like being uncomfortable. We don't like feeling like there's something going awry that we possibly could fix. But what I have noticed is that when I try to fix things immediately upon realizing that there's some kind of problem or trouble, is that I back myself into a corner and I either sloppily fix things, or it's not as big of a problem as I thought. Like, I've kind of blow it up in my mind to be this huge thing, and I emotionally respond to it as though lions are attacking me.
When in fact it's just that I dropped a book on the floor and I need to pick it up just as a relative, a relative comparison there. If I could move through my life more peacefully,
I would look at whatever comes up and whatever, you know, new tragedy or life thing that flings itself at me that I'm facing and say, "Is this urgent?" And usually my answer is no.
It might feel urgent and it might even feel very high relative to other things like, okay, I needed to clean up the kitchen table, but before I worry about that, I need to make sure that, you know, my emails are being delivered or that like this bill went through and got paid and that nothing is.
But does all of it need to get resolved immediately? Probably not.
If I applied myself in a peaceful calm way, it probably will resolve just as well and probably better than if I throw myself at it with passion and fear and worry. These are hard skills to learn and sometimes it really helps to look to your body as your ally rather than your enemy.
And I know that when we're feeling really tired and we're feeling like we're beyond our capacity and we're sad or scared or stressed and dealing with what feels like an insurmountable amount of things upcoming this week, next week, in the next month.
It can feel like we don't have the luxury of being peaceful or we don't have the luxury of treating ourselves well. I think we really, really do though.
And that it's not actually a luxury at all. It's the thing that we can do that allows us to show up with some dignity and some kindness for ourselves to be able to
Say to myself when I'm under duress and go, "Wow, you've had like a really hard week and the people around you are stressed out and it's making you sad."
and there's been days where I've said, "Wow, people that I love seem really upset and I feel completely ineffective."
and like no matter what I have to offer, it's not enough 'cause I can't fix their problems and I can't take away their pain and I can't change what they're facing in life.
And that makes me feel really shitty and I wish that I could. If I can treat myself with kindness and say, "Okay, that's what you're facing." Like, you're facing feeling like... nothing you do matters. I think I deserve a hug because my desire is to help.
And if I can look at it that way and go, well, what was I able to do? Surely, I can't change someone else's life circumstances and I can't make everything better for someone else.
But what did I do? And if you ask yourself that same question and go, "Okay, what did I want to do that I'm feeling bad about myself for?" But then what did I do?
The answer there often helps fill you back up because you realize like, wow, despite insurmountable odds and difficult things, I still show up. I show up for the people I care about.
I still give what I have, even though it doesn't feel like it's a lot.
When you realize how much you have been giving, and honestly, like, that's what I've been coming to with this whole thing is, we get burnt out and tired because we've been giving so much of ourselves and we do it because we care.
That's a beautiful thing. And when you can finally see it and appreciate it about yourself, it gives you that extra space to breathe, to be able to say to yourself with honesty this time, I see myself, I see what I've been doing and offering.
And I see that I've been judging it as though somehow it's not enough, when in reality it's everything.
It's what's keeping my life going. It's what's gotten me this far. And surely I do deserve to treat myself with kindness and to give myself the rest that no one should have to earn.
Certainly, If it did have to be earned, you earned it. You know you did. You've worked really hard. A lot of things have happened. And here you are.
And it's December, and it's time to look to ourselves with appreciation for real. Like we just got past Thanksgiving, and I doubt most of us were really thinking, I thank myself for how hard I worked this year and genuinely meant it.
But this week I want you to look back. Look at your whole year and look at what you managed to pull off.
and truly thank yourself and be like, "Wow, you know what? Despite all of these difficult, difficult things, all of the stuff that came up in my life, all of the demands and the people and the politics and the weather and the travel and the money and all of the stuff.
Here you are, and you did the best you could, and it's been enough."
And it may not feel like it's enough all the time, and yet here we still are and we're enduring.
And that deserves appreciation too. No matter where you are, I'm sending out care and appreciation for your struggle and solidarity with it because I think we all are dealing with our own things.
Life is hard and it hurts to pretend otherwise.
And it's also really beautiful and amazing and gorgeous and that deserves...
wonder and awe and moments of just bliss and we get to have that too.
And that's the stuff of living. And we need to take the time to slow down. And I think when we do so, it does help us feel better.
If you've been searching for like, you know, what's wrong with me, how do I feel better? How do I get through the holidays and stay strong?
This message is for you. You are strong. And you are getting through it. And you don't need to change who you are.
and you don't have to change how you feel about everything in order for it to be better somehow.
Everyone is experiencing their life and you get to experience yours. You don't have to experience anyone else's.
If they're with you, you get to share it with them, but you're not responsible for how they are interpreting and taking in everything.
The only thing we really truly have control over is our own capacity, our own way of showing up.
And so if that's true, please give yourself some care and the respect that you deserve for everything that you've gone through and that you continue to do and for.
Being who you are, living up to your values, and doing the best that you can this year.
You're doing everything just fine. What if you're not broken? What if you're just tired? And if so, what a relief that is, because we can learn how to relax. Learn how to rest. Learn how to interpret those signals.
All right. So what are some signals that you're tired? Irritability and ability to focus.
Feeling like every new demand makes you want to snap and yell and hurt things.
Feeling like you know what your list is, but even moving to figure out what the next step is feels like your brain just shorts out and you can't really think beyond it.
Those are all signs that you're really just genuinely tired. And again, I want to remind you that that's completely normal, particularly by now at this season and at the rate of accomplishing and doing, that most of us have been doing for years.
Years, not just this year, but for years, and we're tired.
What if this year the gift that you give to yourself and to everyone around you is just a tiny, tiny bit more space that allows you to say, "I deserve rest and so do you."
I deserve rest and I'm gonna take just a minute here. And every time that you're able to do that, to know that it becomes easier for the next time you say, "Hey, I just need a little bit more."
And that's normal. And we should be resting. And not every moment of every day needs to be hard work.
Not every moment of the year needs to be hard work. Ooh, that's the last thing I want to leave you with this episode is to remember that if you could zoom out on your life.
You could take in your whole year. Like when we do our year in review and we look back at everything that we did or wanted to do and what we accomplished.
If you do that with an eye towards the ebb and flow of seasons.
What if you just recognize that sometimes you land in a season where you're energetically less capable because you're naturally more tired?
And it's time for sleeping. Just as we have like the day and night cycle, like we get up, we do stuff, we start to get tired, we go to sleep, we recharge, we come back in.
This also happens on weekly and monthly basis. It happens throughout the year.
We are definitely different people in the spring versus in the fall and in the winter versus the summer.
Look at that and notice where you are and allow that to be okay. That is what I wish for everyone listening, is that wherever you are.
and whatever season you find yourself in right now, that you tell yourself.
"It's okay that I'm here right now, and I'm allowed to enjoy it even.
And if I want a nice rest, that is my birthright and I'm gonna take some." I am wishing you...
A moment, several moments, hours, a delicious weekend of rest.
I hope that as you launch into December, you find
some humor and levity in how hard and how taxing life has been and how much effort you've put into it.
That you're able to recognize that now is your time to be able to receive. We do put a lot of effort into giving to everybody this time of year and that is wonderful.
But remember that the other half of that is that you also get to receive and that it's important that you do so.
You are a whole and entire human being, not just one half, and your effort.
is rewarded by this other half which is rest. May you have a wonderful, wonderful afternoon morning evening.
and I will see you again next week, where we'll talk about the myth of the New Year's Sprint.
I'll see you then.
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